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Franks Chilli Eating Contest

THIS IS SOME CHILLI CONTEST!

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you!

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have live in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at chilli cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took
Me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT. . . just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved
my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!

Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge #3 -- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chilli # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid
un-noticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
Through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli

Judge # 1-- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but
spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it.
Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?

Office Dare Olympics

ONE POINT OFFICE DARES

1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).

3. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".

7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9. While riding a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS DARES

10. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.

11. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".

12. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

13. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

14. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES

15. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

16. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

17. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

18. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

19. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaicanaccent. As in "the report's on your desk, Mon". Keep this up for one hour.

20. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.

21. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".

22. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".

23. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".

24. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".

25. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".

26. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".

27. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

28. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

29. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

30. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

31. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.

32. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

33. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

And if that wasn't enough for you...

34. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

35. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

36. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

37. Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."

38. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

39. Dont use any punctuation

40. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

41. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

42. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

43. Sing along at the opera.

44. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

45. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

46. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

47. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

48. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"

49. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

The Atheist and The Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ, our Lord. Amen."

Potty Talk

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-

COUGH.HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

BED OF REST
Definition: The creation of a hammock from toilet paper just above the water line, thus cushioning the fall of a turd. Extremely effective in averting a possible WATERMELON incident. However, such a construction cannot be expected to cope with a HANAVA OMELET. Also, the complete lack of sound emmitting from your stall may alert an UNCLE TED of suspicious activity. Discreetion is required before using this technique.

A Lady called Carmen

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Did your mother give it to you?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most in my life - cars and men." They continued to talk and finally she
asked " What's your name"?

"Beerfuck," he replied.

Classes available

Evening classes for men. Starting this month! Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.

Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.

Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other. Help line and support groups

Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.

Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.

Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full
lobotomies offered.

=======================================================

CLASSES FOR WOMEN.. Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha)
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remote: For Men Only

Comebacks

MALE COMEBACKS TO FEMALE COMEBACKS TO MALE CHAT UP LINES

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.

Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well cos I've been shagging your mum while your dad watches.

Man: You're pretty
Woman: Piss off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat bitch.

Compliment

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible,all fat 'n ugly - pay me a compliment".

The husband replies "your eyesight's fuckin' spot on".

Curious Thoughts

1 If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2 Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5 If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6 My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7 Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8 It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9 For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10 If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11 Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12 A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13 Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14 Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!

15 No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16 A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17 Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18 Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19 Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20 There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21 Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

22 By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23 Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24 Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25 It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

DEAD HORSES�..

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In the Public Service, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies is often employed, such as:

1. Change riders.

2. Buy a stronger whip.

3. Do nothing: "This is the way we have always ridden dead horses".

4. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.

5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance.

6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse.

7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.

8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is.

10. Re-classify the dead horse as "living-impaired".

11. Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses.

12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses.

13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses.

14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses.

15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

The F Word

Legitimate use of the F word

We all know that it isn't polite to use the "F" word. There are only
ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for use

10. "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Look at all them f___ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered f___ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,1999

And number 1 . . .
"Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." - Saddam Hussein, March 19, 2003

Secret men's business

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The
woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she
and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The man said that he would be much more comfortable discussing his
problem with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that
she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to
discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the
highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss,
but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and
sever embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for
it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When
she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and
$3,000 a month living expenses."

He said - She said

10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'

She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen.'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."

Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"

She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "

4) Priest said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'

She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

and the number 1 "He said...She said"..

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said...I would, but you're never there.

Men's Rules for Men

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a buck's night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

c. After wrecking your boss' car.

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e. When she is using her teeth.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12. Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

23. Never talk to a man in a ! bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

24. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.

26. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

27. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5 litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.

28. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

29. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2. End of story.

Men's Rules for Women

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress.

1. Yes and No are perfectly suitable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we've said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like Victoria's Secret models, don't expect us to act like Soap Opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted in two different ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway. It's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know how best to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were dating. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach for example is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss topics such as Nascar or the shotgun formation.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. Round IS a shape.

A bit of chest beating testosterone (try to take it with a pinch of salt)

THIS IS THE MAN'S CODE...

1. If you are over 30 or close enough to and you have a washboard stomach, you're gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and rather you've been sucking-off the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaayming Fag. A cat is like a dog, but Gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're the poster boy for GAY.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby-dummies, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks bar-b-q ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, craw-fish guts, pickled pigs feet, or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a Fag.

4. If you refuse to have a shit in a public toilet or piss in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick, wholesome milk) and full-aroma. A pussy-eating man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in
your mouth, you've had a dick in there too.

6. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out a free pass to your arse. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the AFL, Super 12 Rugby, NRL, Cricket, PGA, NBL, and Supercar series. If you
can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious!

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it...you're hungry for man sausage. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at slow-arse Volvo drivers or to cut the motherfucker off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold his beer, finger the beotch in the passenger seat (whoever she happens to be), or, if he's a wog, talk on his mobile phone.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous sonnez le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly. So follow the rules and beware. Or keep that shit to yourself, you flamming faggot!

9. If your name is Michael or Craig then stop living in denial. You're a dung punching arse bandit from way back and everyone knows it.

Manhood Test

MANHOOD TEST
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results
C. Five tequila slammers.

3.You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first
B. You both climax simultaneously
C. You don't miss the football.

4.Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5.?Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience
B. The second best part of the experience
C. $100 extra.

6.Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Nothing to be concerned about because it doesn't show
B. Not a problem, but she can join your gym for help
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron.

8.Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetiser is to main course
B. Primer is to paint
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9.Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville - population: YOU

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you
really are a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a
little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN"

The Perfect Day

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER (the chick)

8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday.
8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants - open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
10.00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer.
10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12.45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17kg.
1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3.00 Nap.
4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.
4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.

5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror.
7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers.
10.00 Hot shower (alone).
10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen).
11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM

6.00 Alarm.
6.15 Blow job.
6.30 Massive satisfying shit while reading the sports section.
7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
7.30 Limo arrives.
7.45 Several Beers en-route to airport.
9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
9.30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route).
9.45 Play front nine - 2 under.
11.45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12.15 Blow job.
12.30 Play back nine - 4 under.
2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Bourbons).
2.30 Fly to Cairns.
3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot displaying growlers.
4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.
5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending over.. naturally).
6.45 Shit, Shower and Shave.
7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; cannabis legalised.
7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.
9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch match of the day; Broncos beating Newcastle by 40 points. Canterbury cheating over the salary cap again and Easts miss the final eight.
9 .30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies... some bending over).
11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.
11.30 A night cap blow job.
11.45 In bed alone.
11.50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11.51 Laugh yourself to sleep

Australian / Aussie Slang

------------------------------------
AEROPLANE BLONDE One who has bleached/dyed her hair blonde but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BADLY PACKED KEBAB A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.

BEAVER LEAVER A homosexual.

BEER COAT The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

BEER COMPASS The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BONE OF CONTENTION A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

BREAKING THE SEAL Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRUCE LEE Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

BUDGIE'S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG The female erection.

DOUBLE BASS A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

DRINK- LINK A modern term for a cash point machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.

ETCH-A-SKETCH Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

FLOGGING ON Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

FREE THE TADPOLES Liberate the residents of your Wank Tanks.

FRIGMAROLE Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHIT The sound made when driving through traffic at too high a speed.

GREYHOUND A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

HAND- TO-GLAND COMBAT A vigorous masturbation session.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MONKEY BATH A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".

MUMBLER An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.

MYSTERY BUS The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with great looking people when you come back in.

PICASSO ARSE A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

SALAD DODGER An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SPERM WAIL A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

STARFISH TROOPER or ARSETRONAUT A homosexual.

SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive woman.

TART FUEL or BITCH PISS Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

TITANIC A lady who goes down first time out.

TODGER DODGER A lesbian.

TWO-BAGGER or DOUBLE BAGGER Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).

UP ON BLOCKS Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

VAGINA DECLINER A homosexual.

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place!
_____________________________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
_______________________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_______________________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
_______________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
________________________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_____________________________________________________

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
______________________________________________________

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
_____________________________________________________

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
__________________________________________________

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
__________________________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
________________________________________________

Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
_______________________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
____________________________________________________

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
_______________________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_________________________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_________________________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
_________________________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
________________________________________________

Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, Your Honour. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Thoughts

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

7. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no
woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

9. Is there another word for synonym?

10. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

18. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

19. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

27. The older you get, the better you realise you were.

28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

30. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.

31. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

32. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

33. Do paediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

34. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

35. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

37. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

38. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

39. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

40. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Tongue Twister

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,
and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker,
and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,
what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?

A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

Zen Like Thoughts

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like every one else

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are  moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...Then things get worse.

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

30. The most important ingredient for a long marriage is a short memory.

Australian ventriloquist

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day,feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: "The sheep's a f*cking liar!

The Secrets of Women's Language - A must-read for any man

Keywords and their meanings:

"Fine": This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

"Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

<Loud Sigh>: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A <Loud Sigh> means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

<Soft Sigh>: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. <Soft Sighs> are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

"Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night."

If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.

"Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

"That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

"Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

"Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

"Thanks a lot": This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh".

Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

Michael Jackson Jokes

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!

Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy!

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
A: Several children have fingered him.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson rush over to Wal-Mart?
A. He heard that boys' pants were 1/2 off.

Q. What's the difference between a supermarket bag and Michael
Jackson? A. One is white, made of plastic, and should be kept away from small children. The other is used to hold groceries.

Q. How do you know when it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q. What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A. Michael Jackson's hand.

Q. What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night?
A. Hanson.

Q. What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A. Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.

Q. Why can you always win a race with Michael Jackson?
A. Because he always likes to come in a little behind.

Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Gary Glitter?
A. I'll swap you a 10 for two fives.

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night...
Janet: Shall we get a pizza and video tonight?
Michael: Yeah, okay, can we get Aladdin?
Janet: No, just a pizza and video

Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.

Q: What do Michael and homework have in common?
A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson:
If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.

FBI have raided Michael Jackson's house:
They found class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his living room and Class 5C in his bedroom.

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said,

"NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and

played golf a lot and drank beer with his mates and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

Tiger Woods in Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" , says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus" , says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"

Drunk Skeleton

A skeleton goes into a pub and says 'Pint of beer and a mop, please'